I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
why do cheetos always look like penises
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
