I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
