My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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