she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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