alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
