Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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