Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
