just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
