I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
