I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
