she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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