She is in my trunk
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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