I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i need some magic done to my vagina
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
