I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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