Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
