There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
