Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
