I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
