That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
