Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
