he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize