Can i not drive my cunt home
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Found your dick twin last night
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
