turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
