and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
