things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
