i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
