How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
