i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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