Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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