apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
