My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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