He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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