Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
