I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
