my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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