I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
