I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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