pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
