Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
