I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
