SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
