She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
