It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize