my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
