If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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