she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think my moral compass just broke
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
