Have you finally orgasmed yet?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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