six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
