Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
