dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
