things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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