On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
