Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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