Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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