We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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