No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's blow job season.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
